It’s just a simple procedure, nothing to it. That’s what they keep telling us. The doctors, the nurses, the aides. Simple, minor surgery. Just go in and fix the last few things, patch up the last few holes. Put right what’s still wrong. Nothing to worry about, really.
Well, they aren’t me, and they don’t know you.
I can’t help but give in to this feeling of helplessness. I feel like I should be doing more, saying more. As it is, I barely have the strength to lift my head from the wall behind me.
Our friends are with me, along with your family. Ruki is on my left, gripping my hand. Kai is on my right, holding my right hand even tighter. Reita is on the floor at my feet, resting his chin on the arm laid across my knees as his eyes stare into nothingness. Your parents are nearby, speaking in quiet tones. Your mother hugged me so hard I think she cracked my ribs. At least she stopped crying.
We’re all waiting. Waiting for you, Aoi.
I’m taking this hard. I’m scared, terrified. I’m so afraid that you’ll slip away from me. That this simple procedure will take a not so simple turn and you’ll be gone. What would I do then? Where would I be?
We’re the only ones in this waiting room. Out of respect for us, for the band, other families have been relocated to another, smaller room down the hall. We all feel bad for that, but it’s for the best. Our grief is private, meant for us alone. We will at least have this for ourselves.
The TV in the corner drones on, the volume turned down low. None of us is paying any attention, but we know that every news broadcast, every music show, and every talk show are expressing their heartfelt best wishes and prayers for our fallen band mate.
The door opens and Miyavi slips in quietly. The normally boisterous and energetic man is subdued, his eyes tight with fear and grief. He moves to Kai’s side, hugs him, whispers something in his ear. Kai nods and Miyavi nudges Reita over, taking position at my feet as well. He slips a hand into Reita’s and wraps an arm around my calf, resting his forehead against my knee.
I can’t take it anymore. I begin to cry. Hard.
Four sets of arms wrap themselves around me, shielding me from the world outside, covering my grief with warm bodies and murmured words. In my cocoon of friends, I sob, bearing my heart filled with grief, fear, anxiety, and love.
Kai’s tears drip onto my cheek, mixing with my own as the tender drummer hugs me tighter. I lean into his arms, aware of Ruki pressing against my side, Miyavi nestled into my stomach, and Reita clutching my legs. I forget your parents for the moment as I cry like a lost child, knowing that my wails are echoing throughout the corridor. I don’t care. I’m scared, and I’ll let the world know.
My tears finally subside and taper off, leaving me feeling emptier than before. My fear has not diminished in the slightest.
And still, we’re waiting for you.
They said two, maybe three hours. Tops. It’s been four. Four hours since I kissed your face and saw your smile. Four hours since you waved at me as they wheeled you away, through the doors to a place that I could not follow you. Four hours since our whispered ‘I love you,’ and your assurances that everything would be all right.
Four hours, Aoi. Where are you?
Reita goes with your father to get us drinks. I immediately miss his presence, but I don’t blame him for wanting to get off of the cold, hard floor. Kai slips down to sit next to Miyavi. He holds his boyfriends hand tightly while the other plays soothingly on my thigh and knee. Reita comes back and takes Kai’s spot on my right.
And we wait.
I’m going out of my mind. Five hours, damn it Aoi! I still can’t move, my strength is gone, and I’m crying again. Ruki gently wipes the tears away as I nestle onto his shoulder.
Sheer terror is rising in my chest.
It’s been nearly six hours when the door opens again and your doctor steps in. We’re quick on our feet, all of us holding hands with one another, fearful and hopeful all in one instant.
Harder than they thought, the doctor tells us. More damage than the initial x-rays showed. Touch and go for a while. They lost you once.
My heart clenches in my chest, my knees going weak. Ruki and Reita support me between them.
Slight hemorrhaging. Blood loss was minimal, though. Lucky that the accident didn’t kill you, with the amount of internal damage that was done. Lucky that you’re alive after this, even.
I sag to the floor taking Ruki and Reita with me. Your mother’s hand is on my shoulder, clutching me painfully.
Nothing vital was damaged beyond repair. You’ll need some physical therapy, but it’s not major.
Expected to make a full recovery.
I drop my head into my hands, smiling and crying at the same time. I’m vaguely aware that they take your parents to see you, although I wish I could be the one to go. They somehow maneuver me back to my seat, huddling around me again. My fear is still there, still beating heavy within my heart, but I’m gaining more hope now.
“Kouyou?”
Your mother calls me from the doorway.
“He wants to see you.”
My legs shake the entire way down the corridor, through the doors to the intensive care ward, and to your bedside. You look so small, so fragile. I want to hold you, but I’m afraid I’ll break you. The machines are silent, the heart monitor throwing out its green line without a sound.
“Kou-,”
“Shh,” I silence you gently, taking your hand in mine.
Your nod is all I need. You don’t see me crying when you close your eyes again, but that’s okay. You’re alive. You’re here, and you’ll be okay. That’s enough for me.
And, Aoi, no matter what, I’ll always wait for you. I’ll be here when you wake up.
I promise.