XXIV. Miyavi: Shock Absorption

What was Yoshiki playing at? Two days ago he was telling me that I couldn’t be in a relationship with Gackt, now he’s asking me what instruments I play. A glance at Gackt told me that he was thinking along the same lines.
“Well? Do you?”
Oh yah. I had almost forgotten that he’d asked me a question.
“A little,” I replied, blinking quickly to clear my confusion. “A long time ago, I mean. Why?”
“Would you be willing to learn again?”
That smile. I wanted to smack it right off of his face.
“I suppose I could,” I forced out, putting on an air of civility.
“That’s great!” Yoshiki said, rubbing his hands together. “I had a few creative hours these past few days we haven’t gotten together, and I really want to know what you guys think of this.”
He turned to his bag and began shuffling through it. We noticed then that Sugizo was sitting on the couch, looking rather put off. I caught his eye, but he shook his head at me, indicating that we’d talk later.
“Here,” Yoshiki announced, turning back with a stack of papers in his hands. “Keep in mind, it’s not finished, but I think it’s got potential.”
“Solos?” Gackt asked thoughtfully, flipping through the sheets of paper that Yoshiki handed him. “Two pianos? What is this?”
“Like I said, it’s not finished yet,” Yoshiki explained, scanning over his own copy. “There’s a lot that still needs to be done on it, but I think we can manage to pull it off.”
“I don’t get it,” I said, flailing the pages around.
“Get what?” Yoshiki looked confused.
By this point, Yoshiki’s innocent act was starting to grate on my nerves. Part of me itched to throttle him, but I held my composure. Barely.
“I don’t get why there’s a sudden change in what we’ve been doing,” I went on, a hint of my exasperation and still brewing anger leaking into my voice.
“Miyavi, we’ve all known from the start that this band was built on change and chaos,” Yoshiki answered smoothly, scanning his sheet music once more.
“Chaos? Chaos?” I took a half step forward, ready to light into Yoshiki, but Gackt’s hand on my arm stopped me. I turned to glare at my older lover, but his calm gaze told me not to argue. Growling, I shrugged him off and moved to sit near Sugizo.
Gackt’s wounded expression did not escape me.
Instead of bickering, Gackt steered us to discuss the new music. He and Yoshiki took it in turns to plink out the notes on the piano while Sugizo pulled out his violin and joined them. Having no instrument to play, I lounged on the couch, trying not to look bored or put-off while the ‘big boys’ discussed. Truth be told, I was feeling left out. Not even Gackt’s covert glances could console me.
Two hours later, You came into our studio, inquiring about lunch. Gackt and Yoshiki were content to stay put, but I wasn’t. Fuming, I left the studio, feeling four sets of eyes on my back, knowing that two of them bore concern. You caught up with me quickly, looping an arm through mine and expertly leading me out of the building and down the street. Chachamaru met us at a small diner set on a little side street. You’d almost miss it if you weren’t paying attention.
“Hey kid,” Chacha greeted me with a smile, wrapping an arm around me when I slid into the booth next to him. “Are you alright?”
I opted to give him a shrug as an answer, picking up a menu and pretending to read so I wouldn’t have to tell him. I wasn’t too far gone to miss the covert glance that went between him and You, but I tried to ignore it, too. We sat in silence until our order was taken.
I fidgeted, I tapped my fingers, I tried to stare out the window, but nothing calmed me. I felt like I was a time bomb, just waiting to go off. I’d been repressing so much of my anger and anxiety that even I was afraid of myself. You tried a few times to draw me into conversation, but I ground my teeth and could find no voice to speak. I think by then, to open my mouth would have meant screaming.
Our food arrived and I forced myself to eat a few bites, but when the greasy burger and fries hit my stomach, I felt like throwing up. After poking holes in the top bun for a few minutes, I pushed the plate away, sighing roughly.
“Miyavi?” Chachamaru’s voice had taken on an authoritarian tone. “Talk.”
I chewed my lip, trying to think of a way to put it into words. I needed to be able to express what I was feeling with eloquence, style, in a way that was utterly me. Yet, for the life of me, I couldn’t do it. The boy that I still was inside had turned up, and he wasn’t going to be poetic or lyrical about the way he felt.
I loved Gackt, more than anything, that was true. I loved every moment we spent together, every shared laugh, every smile, every slow love-making that we had. It wasn’t like I wanted what I was thinking, but there wasn’t much other choice. The way I saw it, if Gackt wasn’t the one being hammered by Yoshiki, he was content to sit back and ride it out. As completely unfair as it was of me to think that way, I couldn’t exactly help it.
By this point, You and Chacha were both staring at me expectantly, waiting for my answer. I took a deep breath and looked at each in turn, settling my gaze on the table between them.
“I… I don’t think I can be with Gackt anymore.”
And in the span of the next half hour, I told them everything.